Power Flip: Redefining Femme Sexuality in the 1990s
Femme sexuality in the 1990s was characterized by exploration and experimentation. In many ways, this was a response to the feminist sex wars of the 1980s, during which debates about sexuality and sexual activity polarized the feminist movement, and created a split between so-called anti-pornography feminists and sex-positive feminists. Anti-pornography feminism demonized sex work, penetrative sex in lesbian relationships, and BDSM and kink, and partly in response to these views, the feminist politics of the 1990s—sometimes referred to as the “third-wave feminism”—involved a significant turn toward sex-positivity and sexual liberation as central to broader liberatory aims. The reclamation of queer femininity as informed by, but exceeding lesbian histories, and the resurgence of “neo-butch/femme” sexual culture, [1] were linked to the third wave assertion that embracing one’s sexuality is a way to take back your power. [2]
"I became sluttier. And that was part of my femme-ness—my sexual behaviour and my sexual appearance. I was wearing shorter skirts. I got myself some leather miniskirts, I got leather knee-high boots, I discovered poly and started dating people, I discovered kink, I went to my first play party. I started having just, like, a lot of really fun sex. I got involved with the Toronto Women's Bathhouse committee. All of that was part of my femme-ness because my femme-ness, for me, felt inextricably linked to sexual freedom."
Flyer outlining the rules for the Dungeon parties at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre.
Femmes in the 90s were at the forefront of redefining and pushing the boundaries of queer sexuality, making room for a range of different kinds of experiences. They pushed back against the idea of feminine desire as passive and receptive, articulating instead identities like “femme top” and “stone femme.” Femmes participated in and were at the forefront of organizing around sex worker rights, BDSM, bisexuality, polyamory, and public sex. Sexuality infused and powered the events that femmes organized, including those that explicitly created space for public sex like the Dungeon at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre and the Pussy Palace.
"We made all these different spaces for people to, you know, have sex or play, or whatever—safe, sane, consensual play. We put a lot of effort, thought, and care into it, and it was just so much fun. Like, there were these tunnels built into the space where, you know, you could just go and have anonymous sex."
Promotional flyer for the Dungeon party at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, August 1995.
Promotional flyer for the Dungeon party at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, New Year's Eve 1995.
"As a young femme there, there was kind of a running joke within community of the kind of variations, iterations of ‘femme in the sheets.’ And you know, this idea of being a femme receiver, not the pitcher, was very... If that's the choice that's being made, that's great; I think we should all be able to experience our sexuality and pleasure in ways that are good and great for us. But that position in a sexual dynamic of femme as the receiver, you know, femme as bottom, was really just so inconsistent with how I understood myself. And I would say, most of the femmes that I knew."
Femmes described encountering resistance to their own sexual self-determination—being told you can’t do or be that way as well as direct experiences of racism, biphobia, and slut-shaming. And they also described how relationships with friends and lovers enabled them to create new modes of sexual being and new forms of sexual culture. Femmes created safe community spaces for their own and others’ sexual expression, encouraged each other to be “sluttier,” taught each other about polyamory and bisexuality, loaned each other clothes and make-up, and mentoring each other into BDSM and sex work. Femmes made spaces for public sex more accessible for other women and femmes, creating rules and boundaries that enabled greater experimentation and freedom.
"For most of my life, I've identified as a stone femme. And people were like, ‘No, there's no such thing as that. You can't identify as that.’ And I'd be like, you know, we're in someone's apartment about to, like, you know, become sexual with one another. And people would be like, ‘there's only like stone butch.’ It was hard to always be coming out and explaining yourself, especially to people who didn't believe that something existed, or that a femme could be this, or a femme could be that."
A newspaper clipping from Xtra about the Toronto Women's Bathhouse. Headline reads: Wet & Wild: Lesbians get a Chance to Play at the Tubs."
"I progressively started dating, butches and bois [...] partners who were increasingly butch: trans guys, AGs, you know, like studs. And then the more I was dating them and having sex with them, the more I was stepping into my femme-ness, because that was also their food group. They were like, you know, ‘the girlier the better.’ And I was like, ‘don't need to tell me twice. Let me absolutely do that.’"
"I think back then I said [I was] bisexual, and then I learned soon after that, after moving to Toronto, to never say that. Because the biphobia was really rampant. And there was such a pressure at the time to know exactly what your identity was. When I think, for me, it was premature. Like, I was still finding my way."
An article clipping from Siren Magazine called "To DB or Not to DB" about the SM Women's Discussion Group held at The 519 community centre.
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"There was a lot of joy for me that came out of that group [the SM Women's Discussion group at The 519], and as well as gender affirmation. It was like, ‘Yeah, I can be femme. I can be my perverted self. I can be all of these things.’ It was a really strong launch pad for me to start getting into my kink identity. And then there were parties that started happening. I felt shy to go, but I pushed myself, and that also was like a wonderful community as well."